Why Self-Help Never Works For You

Sustainable personal growth is about asking the right questions. Most people are asking the wrong questions. The most common wrong question people ask is some form of:

“How can I become less of who I really am to be loved and successful?”

Now of course people aren’t explicitly saying that, and they aren’t aware of that thought process when they’re reading yet another self-help book. But take a look at these scenarios:

When a client comes in asking to be more confident, they are attached to image of confidence (high-powered CEO that completely lacks empathy and makes 100k a month by not giving a fuck about other people) that is completely counter to their empathetic nature. The real work we’re meant to do together is to develop understanding and appreciation for their sensitivity. A version of confidence that honors and flourishes from that sensitivity usually emerges as a result.

When a client comes in asking to be more empathetic towards their partner because they want their relationship to work, it eventually comes to light that they’ve been the least empathetic to themselves, and that their relationship isn’t working because their values don’t align with their partner’s. It’s hard to empathize when you feel like you have to deny your true self in order to do so. The real work we’re meant to do together in coaching is to be honest about the deep relationship misalignment and then validate the client’s needs/desires as equally legitimate to their partner’s. Ironically, sincere empathy for other often emerges as a byproduct of this process.

It’s out of integrity for me as a coach to support you in self-denial. Self-denial is a form of self-harm, and unfortunately, if we don’t have the awareness to notice when we’re asking the wrong question and operating from self-denial, any form of personal growth work or self-help work we engage in will only serve to further self-denial. And when we’re trying to achieve results by being someone other than who we really are, we wil fail. The repeated failures will compound shame, and then, provided that we still have energy left after all that nerve-wracking disappointment, that shame will drive us even harder to employ methods that don’t work from a perception and belief system that doesn’t honor us.

This is how self-help can actually be self-harm. Instead of gathering up allies to help us run from our darkness, we must embrace or darkness. And only from that place can we truly let in the light and give it a room to stay and expand.

Three Ways To Change The Pattern of Disappointment and Create Lasting Change:

  1. Practice of Self-Compassion.

    Self-Compassion is being with your darkness and everything you feel and think with acceptance. Without resistance what is and immediately launching into trying to fix it. Without dwelling in your pain to the point of feeling sorry for yourself. It’s saying sentences that begin with phrases like “of course” (i.e. '“of course you’re tired today…last night was really overwhelming.”) and “that makes so much sense” (i.e. “it makes absolutely sense why you reacting the way you did. you felt invalidated.”) so you can give yourself a break and turn your attention to the reality of how hard it can be to be a human adult. And that you’re not along in that pain and confusion. Removing the pressure to fix and change things actually gives you more energy to fix and change things. It’s magic. Definitely try this.

  2. Take Small Steps Towards Your Desired Goal

    Small steps add up. Your brain will always try to overextend for quicker progress and that dopamine hit. But remember that we’re going for sustainability here. 10 pushups a day. 10 minutes a day. Walk once around the block. Let your focus being on the tiny habits so your body can learn to value incrementalism. Some days, you might want to go a little over, and that’s fine, but let that be a bonus. Stick with your small commitment and then gradually increase.

  3. Celebrate Every Step

    This is important as well. Once you engage in baby steps, a part of you will secretly discount those efforts as insignificant. This is comical ego behavior because 10 is more than 0, and 0 is usually what you’re doing when you’re thinking about how you’re not making progress and instead of making progress. So, take time to physically celebrate once you complete your daily baby steps. Fist pump, do a dance move, share your completion with your accountability partner. All of these things will signal PURPOSEFUL PROGRESS to your brain and your nervous system.

With these 3 things in mind, my aforementioned client who came in wanting to be more confident created the following results:

  • Regularly communicating assertively and honestly at work. Now having a work-life balance, respect for her competence, and a recent raise is her new reality. Oh yes, and her husband helping more around the house as well. :)

  • Regularly communicating assertively and honestly with her husband. Now hanging out with her girlfriends once a week, having time for herself, and playing soccer several times a month (when she hadn’t played for 15 years) is her new reality.

  • Regularly communicating assertively and honestly with her two teenage daughters. Now them trusting her and being more forthcoming with her is new reality. She has completely released manipulative fear-driven communication and rule-setting tactics in order to “keep them safe.” Open dialogue and collaboration is the norm.

My client who came in wanting to be more empathetic towards her partner created the following results:

  • An aligned and conscious breakup with her partner, that naturally unfolded from a serious of honest and brave conversations where she was able to regularly check-in with herself and speak her truth. Even though she was hoping to stay together, she sees now that the breakup was the best outcome, and her and her ex are good terms.

  • Multiple positive dating experiences where she’s showing and expressing her true self from the beginning and getting compatibility clarity faster.

  • Deep appreciation and love of herself, mindful enjoyment of daily life, conviction and clarity about who her next partner will be, and release of attachment for the timing on when she’ll meet him.

Quick Summary:

Your self-help results never last because your primary motivation is wanting to become someone other than who you really are. Shame-driven efforts will only create repeated failures followed by more shame.

Self-compassion and self-acceptance creates small successes, deepened self-trust and eventually a transformed life.

There’s nothing wrong with reading personal development books or listening to podcasts. Just don’t confuse consumption for implementation, or any implementation for intentional action.

Develop a practice of giving yourself grace, get into the habit of taking baby steps and remember to celebrate every step.

You’ll be massively surprised by what unfolds and becomes normalized from there. More and better is on it's way!